Is humor still the best medicine? If so:
R My wife recently had her credit card stolen.
B Ill bet you re complaining about that.
R No. So far the thief is spending less than she did.
B Did your wife have a lot of credit cards?
R She had so many magnetic strips in her wallet, her purse pointed north
R Why did you name your two dogs Timex and Rolex?
B Well, because theyre watch dogs
R Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
B Because she was trying to make up her mind
B Ive heard that divorce is never easy
R Thats right. The hardest thing is learning to talk again
R Why are you dressed so warm when painting your house?
B The directions on the can said put on two coats
B I hear youve been talking about getting a more expensive apartment
R Well now we dont have to. The landlord just raised the rent
R Will you lend me ten dollars?
B I have only eight
R No problem, you will owe me the other two
R Ive been teased about my large nose. Is it really that big?
B No, your nose isnt big, its just that your face is too far back.
B How do you pronounce the name of the south pacific island--HaVaii or HaWaii?
R HaVaii
B Thank you
R Youre Velcome
R Your sermons are like the grace of God
B What do you mean?
R They surpass all understanding.
R Would you help me pick out a tie that will make my blue eyes stand out?
B Any tie will make your blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough
R What are you going to do today?
B Nothing
R Thats what you did yesterday
B Yeah, but I didnt finish
B What do you do to keep busy at WestRidge?
R When I get up in the morning I have nothing to do. And when night comes I am only half .
done
R You recently had a birthday, I sent you a card
B. I didnt receive it
R I accidentally bought a belated birthday card, so I had to wait a few days before mailing it.
B What is the secret of a good sermon?
R Have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible
R I have a new grandson. I was told he looks just like me
B. Dont worry about that---hell change
B Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?
R Because people are sleeping.
B There is a story in the bible of how Lots wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt
R My wife looked back once while she was driving and turned into a telephone pole!
R Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing on the Ark?
B No, how could he with just two worms?
B A beggar approached me at the beach today with his hands out and said please, I havent eaten all day
R Did you give him any money?
B No, I told him good. Now you wont have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim
R All my wife and I do anymore is fight. Ive been so upset, Ive lost 20 pounds
B If its that bad, why dont you just leave her?
R Id like to lose another 15 pounds first.
R Bill, you just turned 81 this year and now were the same age. How are things going for you?
B Oh Im really clicking.
R Im glad to hear that.
B When I get up from a chair my knees click and when I turn my head my neck clicks.