Humor

Is humor still the best medicine? If so:


R My wife recently had her credit card stolen.
B I’ll bet you ‘re complaining about that.
R No. So far the thief is spending less than she did.

B Did your wife have a lot of credit cards?
R She had so many magnetic strips in her wallet, her purse pointed north

R Why did you name your two dogs Timex and Rolex?
B Well, because they’re watch dogs

R Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
B Because she was trying to make up her mind

B I’ve heard that divorce is never easy
R That’s right. The hardest thing is learning to talk again

R Why are you dressed so warm when painting your house?
B The directions on the can said “put on two coats”

B I hear you’ve been talking about getting a more expensive apartment
R Well now we don’t have to. The landlord just raised the rent

R Will you lend me ten dollars?
B I have only eight
R No problem, you will owe me the other two

R I’ve been teased about my large nose. Is it really that big?
B No, your nose isn’t big, it’s just that your face is too far back.

B How do you pronounce the name of the south pacific island--HaVaii or HaWaii?
R HaVaii
B Thank you
R You’re Velcome

R Your sermons are like the grace of God
B What do you mean?
R They surpass all understanding.

R Would you help me pick out a tie that will make my blue eyes stand out?
B Any tie will make your blue eyes stand out if you tie it tight enough




R What are you going to do today?
B Nothing
R That’s what you did yesterday
B Yeah, but I didn’t finish

B What do you do to keep busy at WestRidge?
R When I get up in the morning I have nothing to do. And when night comes I am only half .
done

R You recently had a birthday, I sent you a card
B. I didn’t receive it
R I accidentally bought a belated birthday card, so I had to wait a few days before mailing it.

B What is the secret of a good sermon?
R Have a good beginning and a good ending and to have the two as close together as possible

R I have a new grandson. I was told he looks just like me
B. Don’t worry about that---he’ll change

B Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?
R Because people are sleeping.

B There is a story in the bible of how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt
R My wife looked back once while she was driving and turned into a telephone pole!

R Do you think Noah did a lot of fishing on the Ark?
B No, how could he with just two worms?

B A beggar approached me at the beach today with his hands out and said “please, I haven’t eaten all day”
R Did you give him any money?
B No, I told him “good. Now you won’t have to worry about cramps when you go for a swim”

R All my wife and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds
B If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave her?”
R I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.

R Bill, you just turned 81 this year and now we’re the same age. How are things going for you?
B Oh I’m really clicking.
R I’m glad to hear that.
B When I get up from a chair my knees click and when I turn my head my neck clicks.

Laughter does a body, heart, soul, and mind good!

:-D

lisa

This just in:

'When comedians worked for a living'

[www.youtube.com]

This was a great film--Thanks
Ray

Dear Diary,

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It’s fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said, “Beat 12 eggs separately.” The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls. ”

Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “Serve without dressing.” So I didn’t .
What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, “Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.”
It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, “Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “Put all ingredients in bowl and beat it.”
There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. ( oh boy) For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Bob’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Good night, Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with “Chocolate Moose.”

Lisa, whatever I do, someone has to top me. I pass the crown to you!
Ray

Ray,

You inspired me, that's all :-) That, and a timely email containing the joke coming my way.

lisa